Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
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My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
is this how new cars are made??
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.