Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??