Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
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What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?