Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
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The answer is funnier than the question
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.