HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”