HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

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If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.


I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops


Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”


My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.


[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]



[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!



18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?


[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.


“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*