Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
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A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.