her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
You Might Also Like
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
u spoke cat all this time??????
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
She: I like Cats
He:
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye