her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..