Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
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My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Free him
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Haha! 😂
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
The booster protects against what, now?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs