HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
You Might Also Like
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay