HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
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I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
💻🤡
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why