Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”