her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.