Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
a public service announcement
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
huge if true: the moon