her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Education is vital
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this