her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
The glory of fall.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds