Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
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Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Good news
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?