Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
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[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse