her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
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If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.