Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
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Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.