Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
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This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime