@Kyle_Lippert

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

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@batkaren

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

@AmishSuperModel

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

@KevinBuffalo

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

@Prof_Hinkley

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

@UncleDuke1969

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

@riot4rach

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

@petemandik

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

@Lisa_Laughs_

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

@TheCatWhisprer

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?