Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.