Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
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Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile