Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
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I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?