Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.