Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
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Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
also my go-to takeaway order
“Huge”.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped