Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
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Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.