her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
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Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I think I’ll stand
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs