Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”