HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
*mops up wine with cat*
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.