Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
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In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks