her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
You Might Also Like
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.