HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
How it started How it’s going
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.