HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
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Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over