Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!