Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
You Might Also Like
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.