HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings