Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
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I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?