her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
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[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
*puts words between two asterisks*
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”