her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
where the womens at?
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.