Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
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Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
selfie game
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel