HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
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“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Simple enough.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
How to find Kentucky on a map
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn