Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
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I wish all tests were things you peed on
Lol.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
🤣🤣🤣
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty