HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close