@liljonlovitz

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

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@twayne1010

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

@curlycomedy

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

@stevefrigley

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

@bewgtweets

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

@trustysock

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

@murrman5

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??