HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

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Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?


Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.


Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.


Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine


Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“


[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??