Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
You Might Also Like
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.