her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]