Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
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It be like that sometimes 😆
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
That time Alicia messaged me
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you