HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
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Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I’m sorry…what?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.