Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
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My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years